There is a guy who works with me who constantly sounds like he's having a fight with his keyboard.

I can't even quantify in words how crazy this sound is. It's like he has a big stick of bamboo and every two seconds he just goes "THWACK" onto his keyboard. He isn't continuously typing, you hear him scroll around and click on stuff and then THWACK. Sometimes it's like every 2 seconds, sometimes it's every 4 or 5 seconds. And when he's not hitting the buttons on the keyboard the keyboard actually creaks and groans like the weight of his hands on the plastic is just too much. I don't know what's going on.

Perhaps you can figure it out from his demographics, he's older than me, maybe mid to late 30s, very Indian, and a Java developer. I don't know what it is in Java that requires you to f*****g stomp your keyboard every two seconds, but I'm glad I don't use it.

Anyway he used to have a room to himself, the biggest room in the office, it could sit 4 to 6 people. I also had a room to myself, but with servers and a kitchenette.

I come in yesterday and he's moved his desk right up against mine, gives me an awkward grin, "I've moved". Oh great, thanks for that. He reckons it was to save electricity!!!! So now the biggest room in the office is vacant.

Well not anymore, I spent all morning moving my s*** into the big office. I actually had to leave yesterday morning out of rage from sitting next to him for 5 minutes. I already dealt with the last Indian mid-30s Java guy who sat near me and scrolled his mouse wheel too loudly (another Java thing?), by buying him a new mouse where the scroll wheel didn't make that rickety sound, and 2 weeks later he got fired, so while there was a triumph for me there for facing the issue and finding a solution, and even more relief when he was gone, like a cruel joke it all comes back with keyboard man. I don't really feel like I can talk to this one much, plus the whole empty room... why not just move.

Anyway my computer is up and running now and I can still hear him out there banging on his keyboard like a spastic. Everytime it happens I twitch, I can't stand it! I don't know how he can. But at least it's better than being right there next to it.

I guess I've been typing for a while and I should come to some sort of conclusion in this post or pose a question to illicit discussion. Like maybe isn't it a bit unprofessional to hire someone who uses a keyboard like they are a baby? All it's missing is some baby mouth noises like gurgling and burping, and the s***** smell they have.

Maybe he feels more masterful and powerful like he's getting the job done by being so heavy handed, or the keyboards he grew up with had all cum and s*** stuck under them so you had to really give it hard to register.

And what's the deal with coming and moving his computer next to me? It's really bizarre.

Don't get me wrong it's not that I don't like him, I couldn't care either way, apart from the annoyingness. I've had desk mates before that were great guys and still highly annoying, one that I was great friends with constantly chewed with his mouth open, burped all the time, and smoked e-cigs at his desk. Several IT guys I've worked with were knuckle-crackers, I have never once in my life cracked my knuckles, nor am I able to do it, so I don't get that either.


I also see how he parks, and he clearly believes that having a fraction of your car nosed into a legal park means it's a-OK for the whole thing.

get some headphones

this thread is gonna go places

In my last job I had a loud typer but he was such an awesome dude I just put up with it. One of the funniest dudes I met. He was from Ghana and our office was in London so respek innit.

(this post doesn't help you)

i have no solution other than to talk to the guy & if his response is not correct, headbutt him & say you tripped.

i used to sit right next to this guy that chewed almonds all f**n day with his mouth open :/ it was like sitting next to a f**n panda chewing bamboo except without the sexual harassment advice. i arranged to have my desk moved away from him & i wear headphones.

Splash, headphones do nothing. It's like if you put on the headphones and then someone started cracking a whip in your face, you're gonna notice that.

When I had to do my mine induction in the USA I sat next to a guy about my age and he was huge. He carted behind himself an oxygen bottle attached to a face mask and sucked Coke all day long on 2 litre bottles of coke through a long straw.

Sounds like he was livin' the life, yo.

get some audio and post. use sound cloud on your phone and leave it near him for 5 mins

lol sound cloud
tell me where that is in my phone? http://www.telstra.com.au/mobile-phones/mobile-phones/telstra/telstra-explorer/


I have a digital voice recorder i could bring and maybe stick it somewhere, but there aren't many places to hide something, how embarrasing if I got caught

have you tried relaxing bro?

Complement sandwich her and just tell her

It's amazing I don't kill my keyboards on at least a weekly basis. I'm pretty heavy on keys, but I never abuse keyboards - eg, I never actually hit or slam keys in anger.

My pet hate at work is fat people.They pretend they aren't fat, nobody says anything, they eat like pigs, they sweat like pigs, they are just filthy f*****g disgusting people that I cant stand looking at or being around.And I'm not talking about chubby people, those people are fine, its the full blown f*****g elephants that get jobs have issues and are stuborn as all hell.F*** THEM.

er, wouldn't sweating like a pig be a good thing??, unless they take thier shoes off


Thermite>>> it might simply be that the keyboard that he normally uses, or is used to has a sticky key, like the enter key or something

check the keyboard for sticky keys, if they are not sticky, attach a tazer to his chair (placed under the cushion, around where his balls might rest), and a pressure plate under the keyboard, linked to the tazer (make sure you can adjust the trigger pressure of the plate, maybe a slider on your computer?)
wait till he is working, then adjust the slider till you hear that magic "thack, zzzzzidz, OWWW" with in a few days he will be typing like a normal person (well normal for a java guy)

Pretty sure it's a new keyboard, it's the cheap arse Gigabyte one where you get a keyboard and mouse for 50 cents.

"Pros: It's slightly better than not having a keyboard and mouse." http://umart.com.au/pro/products_review.phtml?id=10&bid=2&id2=40&sid=50803

But I used the same one a while back and never did this sort of thing. Sometimes the CTRL key sticks down and it takes you a while to figure out why typing makes heaps of s*** pop up.
There are plenty of nice microsoft and logitech keyboards laying around here. Perhaps I can damage his keyboard and he will be forced to use another one.

I want to convert a type writer into a keyboard and have each little hammer with a contact on it so when the hammer strikes the (fake) paper, it types s*** on the computer. How awesome would that be if everyone in offices could use type writers again, complete with the ability to have random "sticky keys" when you accidentally press 2 keys at once.

You'll thank me later.


Maybe he's using a logitech piece of s***? You have to literally slam my G19's spacebar for it to work. So much so that I threw it across the room and am now using a much better $14 keyboard that requires only a "normal" amount of force and even has somewhat tactile feedback even though it's still just using rubber boot things for the switches. Logitech; out done by a $14 no name brand keyboard.

My pet hate at work is fat people.They pretend they aren't fat, nobody says anything, they eat like pigs, they sweat like pigs, they are just filthy f*****g disgusting people that I cant stand looking at or being around.

Yup same. I went for a job interview organised by the recruitment firm which hired me out. I got some feedback afterwards

"Oh you got the job but hey, it's not you, but i have to tell everyone, you know, it's not you but yeah, make sure you wear appropriate ammounts of anti persperant, but yeah it's not you we just have to tell everyone we place so that way we don't single anyone out.

So i start this job, this guy 5'7" rocks up, weighs around 140, with two 2L bottles of cola, "Well i know how he got fat" i think to myself. He keeps up the charade of working for 2 weeks but we're unsupervised (being older than 12) and soon he finishes both 2L cokes before lunch, and then promptly uses one as a pillow. He did this for three months, sleeping somewhere around the 3 hours a day mark. Every day. Incidentally he was a WoW player.

Anyway, the bigger problem wasn't that, it was clearly him they were speaking about, because im not sure if it was his folds that held some kind of fungus but air which blew past him reeked. REEKED. That's the only word which describes it. Foul odourous stench which streamed off his body.

That though could be covered by hygene and a better attitude, no what i hated was that despite all those faults, he plainly couldn't do anything. I mean, he couldn't go on rides at dreamworld or movieworld or any theme park. He was so wide that he couldn't fly, or just hated flying so much that he didn't want to travel. He didn't have a car, so public transport only took him locally. He was so unfit he couldn't do more than the walk to work each day and preferred not to go to leave his seat at all at work, so eating lunch at his desk which often was two large meals at wherever someone was going to grab lunch at and bring him back some.

He purely wasn't living. That's what i hate about obese people. The ones who just can't even live and don't want to change that, are fairly miserable and bitter in their life and just don't change it.

I know too many people who have dropped the weight, or at least got fit enough to carry it without being a burdon to themselves or others, and their attitude improved for it.

Once I set his wallpaper, while he slept at his desk , as:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/23540_112819545413261_2808433_n.jpg

Headphones, or man up and talk to the person, explain the issue that you have and highlight a few solutions that could solve the dilemma. Worst case scenario they tell you to f***off and you can then deal with it, but more likely they don't realise that its an issue.

Generally in these situations whatever grievances you have against someone, they probably have similar grievances at you, for different things that you don't realise you are doing. Would you rather them raise it so you can fix it?

PS I use a very loud clicky keyboard in my phd office (helps me with my writing), and I've told the others that if they have an issue to raise it with me without hesitation.

im sorry, didn't realise we were back in the 90's.

Headphones, or man up and talk to the person, explain the issue that you have and highlight a few solutions that could solve the dilemma. Worst case scenario they tell you to f***off and you can then deal with it, but more likely they don't realise that its an issue.

Look man, I already wear headphones, but it doesn't work. I told the last guy what was going on, but this time it was easier to move my computer to another room. Anyway I shouldn't have to expect him to change for me, he's old and probably set in his way. Plus... quite a few times I gave him the 'half turn', you know the one where you peer at them sideways, but this guy is difficult to communicate with. You should see the hilarious conversations, it's basically me just trying to say something vague that MIGHT... POSSIBLY.. go along with what he just said. He mostly smiles a lot.

best thread ever, bring moar rants :D

thermite pleaseee set up a hidden cam with audio so we can see.
dont get fired for it though

Just tell him to shut up or you'll burn his house down...

New plan in action, I hear the CEO will be in town soon, so I've done some reorganising in the office and made sure my old desk (right next to him) is the cleanest desk, with best access to ethernet and power points. All other available desks are now smeared with brown stains or have the collective crap of former employees all over them. Someone else should have a go at sitting next to this guy.

Yes Copuis I use dvorak, it has improved my wpm by only about 20% but is much more comfy to type that way.

I just use a regular no-name keyboard with long travel and swapped keycaps, the resultant slight differences of angle between the keys helps with touch typing too.